Mama, You're The Queen of My Heart

I have been trying to start this post all day and instead I am just sitting here staring at this picture I uploaded and the white blankness underneath. Trying to find the right words to express what I feel today and everyday. But truth is there isn't the right words for me to even begin to portray what life is like. So I guess I will just start with the random thoughts I have had running through my head.

My Grandmother (my Mom's Mom) passed away when I was just 2 years old. Although I got to meet her, I never knew her. When I was old enough to realize and ask questions I asked about her. All I knew is she had died. But my Mom never offered any information about her. And at a young age I always had the feeling of don't ask about her because my Mom didn't want to talk about her. She never talked about her. And the things I did hear would be when I would hear random stories of my Mom's childhood and she or someone else mentioned her. As I grew I began to somewhat piece together what type of person she was. I knew she was loud and wasn't afraid to whoop some ass when it came to her kids being bad, my brother being bad, and to anyone in the neigborhood that dare mess with her family. She was a seamstress. She made my Mom's wedding dress. She made all my Mom's clothing. My Mom was the oldest and the only girl for 10 years until my aunt came along. So my Mom was very spoiled and her Mom made sure she had a new outfit for every occassion and all the new styles before anyone else did. She could cook! She was stubborn and had a temper. Her favorite holiday was Christmas and she went ALL OUT every year. I knew this because when I was a child my Mom was rarely "there" for Christmas. Christmas always reminded of my Grandma and so until she had Grandchilden, Christmas was a holiday that didn't bring her any spirit. My Grandma took very good care of her family. She was a giver and very much the head of her family. And that's easy to picture because that was MY MOM. Minus the fact that my Mom couldn't sew. So picturing my Grandma was usually pretty easy because I feel like I lived with her clone. At least that's what I have always imagined in my head. But that's really all I knew.

When I was a teenager, I decided to ask again. I had so many questions in my head. When was her birthday? I knew she was a scorpio because my Mom had mentioned a few times that her and her Mom both butted heads alot because they were both scorpios. When did she die? What did she die from? What was her favorite color? Did she like to dance? Sing? Do anything else besides sew? I mean I really knew nothing about her. She did eventually tell me that her birthday was November 15th. But really that was it. And I was always too afraid to ask her more because I always felt her hesitation when I brought her up. Mainly I wanted to know her. I wanted to know the woman who always brought a look of pain to my Mom's eyes when her name was brought up. And I always wondered... How did my Mom deal with that?

I have always ALWAYS known my Mom to be this strong woman. Fiercely independent. A woman not to mess around with. A woman who wasn't afraid to tell you the truth even if it was hurtful. A stubborn, sometimes short tempered woman. For a woman her size she packed a big punch for sure. But a woman to show emotion? No. Rarely. I never saw my Mom cry. I never saw her be sad. She hid it well. At least to us... because now that I look back as an adult. I know she did cry... and probably a lot. Probably in her room at night when we weren't around. And I always used to think to myself. She must really have a lot of grief because she never shared her memories of her. Of course she would! She was 24 years old when it happened! 24 years old! And although married with 2 chilren she was just a baby herself. Who could be ready to lose their Mother at 24 years old?! That always stuck with me.

It stuck with me so much so that on my 25th birthday I woke up to my husband telling me Happy Birthday... and I opened my eyes and the first thing out of my mouth was, "I am 25. I am past the age my Mom was when her Mom died." Why I evenn said that is beyond me. I didn't look at it as an accomplishment but I did think... I still feel like a child. My Mama still does everything for me when I mess up. She is still here to pick me up when my world is crashing down around me. She is still here for me to make sure I take my medicine when I am sick. She makes sure I have liquid because she knows even though I am 25 I can't swallow pills. And if I have to take a pill she is still here to crush the pill in between two spoons and mix it with water and force feed it to me like a baby. I was pregnant with the 4th baby at the time and she was there to rub my feet, my back, put my shoes on and tie them so i wouldn't have to bend down. Buy me anything I wanted to eat when I wanted it because to her a pregnant woman's cravings should never be left unsatisfied. She was literally my everything even though she would get so mad at me and tell me I was a Daddy's girl who was spoiled rotten and I didn't deserve it. She never failed to tell me that middle children should be the neglected ones and not spoiled. But she went ahead and continued spoiling me anyway. I knew with her as mad as she would get at me... and boy I could get her to yell at me a lot... she would always love me. So on my 25th birthday I sat and thought... Now I don't understand how she could have handled losing her Mom when I was at the same age. It seemed like in was absolutely impossible to live through.

And then it happened, exactly 2 months after my 25th birthday and just 3 days before Christmas my own world came crashing down on me and I was in that very same position. And yes... it did seem like it was something that was impossible to live through. Losing a parent, a loved one, but especially a Mother brings you pain to a level you didn't even know existed. A pain that is so indescriable that you just have to have lived it be able to even understand. People say they can relate... and to some degree this is true if they've ever lost someone close to them... but I also would think... "No you can't. You've never lost a parent. There is no way you can relate." The only feeling I can imagine being the same, if not worse, is losing your own child. Then tell me you know what I am feeling. And to have a loss that was so completely unexpected is even worse. I now understand what people who lose loved ones in accidents must feel. One day everything is fine and in the blink of an eye you're whole life is altered. I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. Living every day with a void in your heart that could never be filled. A happiness that you will never get back. And a tear in your eye that will never go away. I understand there is a far greater plan, everything happens for a reason, but it's still totally and completely unfair.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my Mama. Not a day that passes that I don't try and preserve her memory for the sake of my children. In the two years that have passed I have learned this. Time passes in the blink of an eye. Life goes on and yes it is still beautiful. There is still so much to be excited about, to be happy about, to be thankful for, and above all you don't get but one life to live. Good and bad we can't look back but only go forward. My Mom definitely taught me that and still it whether she knows that or not. And from her I have learned that I never want to keep anything about her from my children. I want them to know everything they want to know about her. I want them to always know her because they are too small to have the memories. And she was worth knowing! And as ironic as it may be... my Mom hated Christmas because it was her Mom's favorite holiday... I love Christmas even more now because my Mom passed 3 days prior. As if I don't already have enough to celebrate that season for... it's even better to celebrate my Mom's life as well.

So Merry Christmas Mama. I miss you more than ever. And I love you to infinity and beyond.

Grandparents Day

Many people realize that Sept. 12th is Grandparents day.

Shoot I never even knew about until 6 years ago... Diego was about a year and a half and I was at Walmart shopping for some diapers when I passed a display with Hallmark cards. The sign above was saying it was Grandparents day (the next day) and so I stopped picked up a card and had Diego give it to my parents the next day. I am pretty sure I bought a little bear of some sort as well.

But every year I've made sure that he tells them Happy Grandparents Day.

So this year the kids drew pictures for my Dad, my Mom, and Jr's parents... they also decided they wanted to make tissue paper flowers. I taught them how to make them and they went to work making little bouqets of flowers.

So we went to see my Mom. And take her the flowers and drawings. My Mom was the ultimate Grandma. There was nothing she wouldn't do for her grandkids. She loved them all. So it was very important to me and the kids to go see her. I want to be able to always remind the kids of who she was and how she was with them. They're still so young that their little memories will only vaguely remember her in a few years. I was 2 when my Mom's mom passed away and I don't remember her at all obviously. And beside stories that my Mom, Aunt, or Uncles would tell us... whenever I asked my Mom about her... she never offered up much information. I want my kids to know everything about their Grandma. She is so much the reason why they are so lucky. She never gave up on me and was always supportive of me even though I know many of the choices I have made in my life she didn't agree with. And beacuse of her my children are happy and healthy.

While there I also left two flowers that I made especially for my Abuelito. He was the most influential Grandparent a person could have! I could go on and on about how much I admired (and still do) my Grandfather. But that might make for another post entirely.

So here's some pictures of our time at the cemetary with our Grandparents.

Alayna and Atalie were asleep so they stayed in the car while we got off with Arielle and Diego







We Love Jamma



We Love Abuelito



And before we left I got these shots of my boys <3!

Dancing In The Rain

My sister came over today and brought me Yogurtland in exchange for me making her 2 bows. I work for food... so it was a good exchange. And we were very happy.

Until we finished... that makes us sad...


But you know what made us happy again?

It started to rain.

It's is the 22nd. And raining again.

The rain makes us think of our Mom.

Rain doesn't last long in Phoenix sometimes it falls for literally 2 minutes and it's all done. So we called the kids and told them to run out into the rain. There's nothing more fun that dancing and playing in the rain. And there's nothing more happy than seeing your kids lauging and running and having a good time with something so simple.

I hope Jamma enjoyed playing with her Grandkids for a while.



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Ben & Jerrys

It's been 5 months Mom. But instead of my usual post on how I miss you so (which I do) I will share something funny with you.

Remember that little itsy bitsy thing of Ben & Jerry's ice cream you bought right before my birthday? You know back in October?! And you remember how I wanted to eat it so bad and you never let me cuz it was yours. And we laughed about how cute it was and you still wouldn't let me eat it. (What kind of mother hold out on sweets from her darling daughter?) And you remember how it sat in there for a month until like Thanksgiving... and I saw it in the freezer every time I came over to visit and I still begged to eat it and you still always said no? Remember?

And it continued to stay in there until December. And then you passed away. And I couldn't beg you for it anymore because you weren't here to tell me no. And what fun would it have been to eat it without someone yelling at me that I couldn't have it.

Suddenly I didn't want it anymore.

And since then in these past 5 months you've been gone your freezer has been cleaned a few times. And everytime... the ice cream continues to stay in there.



I just can't bear to throw it away... or eat it for that matter.

Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

"One day shy of eight years old
Grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy,
Blowing out that birthday cake

How I cried when the sky let go
With a cold and lonesome rain
Mama said don't be sad child
Grandma's watchin' you today

'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
And her tears are pourin' down
That's how you know she's watchin'
Wishin' she could be here now
And sometimes if you're lonely
Just remember she can see
There's holes in the floor of Heaven
And she's watchin' over you and me"



If you haven't noticed by now or don't know me well enough... I greatly relate to music. A song can say exactly what I am feeling or thinking and although I can't put it into words, the song can. At different times in my life, or even during the day, I can be feeling a certain way and when I turn on the radio the station just reads my mind. It happens various times when the song that's playing fits exactly what I am feeling at that moment. I listen to country music, it's practially 97% of what's on my computer, my phone, my ipod, and of course my car. And I listen to it because... well it usually tells a story. It's usually something I can relate to or have lived through.

So one night my friend Dawn asked me to listen to a song.

She sent me a link to a youtube video.

I immediately cried thinking... this is about Diego.

Diego was SUPER close to his Grandma. Diego lost her 3 months before his 7th birthday... and on that day he was sad. He came to me in the morning and said, "I am sad. Sad because this is my first birthday without Jamma." But I quickly reminded him that she can still see everything that happens and will still be watching on his special day. Grandma wouldn't miss it for the world.

He's always comforted knowing she can still see us.

But it's not always him who needs a reminder. Sometimes when I am feeling sad I have to remember that she is watching. It's not just something I say to make him feel better... it's something I know.

I hope he always continues to remember there's Holes in the floor of Heaven... and she's watching over all of us.



Song: Holes In The Floor Of Heaven - Steve Wariner

Our Theory

Have I ever told you about our Theory?

The day my Mom passed away (Dec. 22nd) it rained. When does it rain in December... or so close to Christmas?

Strange? Yes.

And the following days it was the same.

The night of her viewing... it rained.

The day of her funeral it rained. But it was finally the first day the sun peeked through too.

And pretty much every 22nd of the month it has rained. Except for one. But it was very cloudy that day.

And all of our family has noticed this. We've come to the conclusion that it's my Mom. How ironic that everytime it rains I am reminded of her when she was a woman who hated the rain.

But it's comforting.

I used to hate the rain too.

Now I love the rain.

I'll even go outside and play in it. Something you would have never caught me doing before December.

It reminds me of Mom.

Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, and Praying

Today it's been 4 months since she's been gone. So much has changed in these past 4 months. Her family has expanded by two. And as I looked through my files of pictures for something to post for today... these pictures caught my eye right away.


It doesn't get any easier without you. Coming to terms with your departure was by far the hardest thing I've done in my whole life. Everything, every day reminds me of you. There's nothing that I do that doesn't make me think about you... that doesn't make me want to walk over to your bedroom, open the door, and share it with you. My life, my stories, my accomplishments, my kid's accomplishments, my troubles and problems (which are the majority as always), and even all my craft projects that you know you LOVED me sharing with you. It's hard not having anyone around to listen to me. It's just very hard. I miss you immensely.


Jr bought her this T-shirt as a joke (he bought me an identical one) but my Mom wore it out. Most nights she was wearing it to bed. If you look at it now... it's EXTREMELY worn out.


Two things come to mind when I see this picture. First... Boy did she love my brother. She rarely told us straight flat out that she loved us... but she did express to me MANY MANY times that she loved my brother. I hope he knows exactly how much. He is her baby boy. Big baby... but her baby nevertheless. And second... her laugh was so loud and contagious. I have to get the loud laugh from her. When she laughed you could hear her across the whole house.


This is my most favorite picture I ever took of my parents. I know it's not even their faces but it says so much to me. It shows how united they have always been. Not perfect but perfect together. The skin color difference, and the differences didn't stop there. They were very different but complimented each other so well. I love how my Dad's hand is over my Mom's like he's guiding her, like he's protecting her, and as domininant as my Mom was... my Dad was always the subtle King. And last but not least... her nails always done, her Tiffany's bracelet that she hinted so much for, and their wedding rings. <3


My Dad's 50th Birthday Fiesta. For someone who has no interest in planning parties she helped me from start to finish to put together a big bash for my Daddy. She was so happy to be able to do it and was excited when the day finally came. Every detail perfect.


Sunglasses = Mom
Enough said =)


She loved my Husband... they had some special bond that I probably couldn't ever understand. And they are so identical it's scary. I see my Mom in him all the time.


He was always behind her. Nothing he wouldn't do for her.


Our last Family gathering. Thanksgiving 2009. Her very most favorite holiday. What a beautiful family.







She loved being a Grandma. Even though she said she was too young to be a "Jamma" they were her whole world. I know she loved them more than her own children. They made her, angry, crazy, and happy all at the same time. You could tell by the way she held them, the way she looked at them, and she bragged about them all the time... showing them off like her greatest accomplishments. And they sure love her too. Each one with a different but special relationship with her. Diego was her buddy, her baby, her best friend. Alayna was the one she would argue with, both stubborn, but then they would be cuddled together. And Arielle was her pride and joy... being that she was/is so little I am not sure what attached my Mom to her. But she was quite obsessed with her.

And lastly... there's me:








She rarely told me, she never expressed her feelings, but she loved me. It was unspoken but I knew. She was never the mushy, gushy, lovey-dovey type... even though I was all over her all the time. Hugging her, kissing her, telling her she was special. She always said to me, "You smother me just like your Dad does... get off me! You guys are identical!" I never listened. And no she wasn't mean, that was her. And that was her love. She would do anything for me and no matter what I did she protected me, backed me up, forgave me, and loved me. She was always there. She is always here. She's my number one... even though she complained that in my eyes I was "Daddy's Girl"... Truth be told... I was more a Mama's girl than anything. She is my idol.

I love you Mom. You truly are number one.

I Need Her

I need her.
Like functioning without her is not functioning for me at all.
Especially on a day like today.
It's nothing more than any other ordinarily busy day I've been having for weeks on end.
But after being awake for 4 hours as I was driving to the hospital for my routine monitoring I passed by the cemetery.
And I thought to myself...

"I NEED her. Today doesn't feel right. What would we be doing today? We would have gone to have breakfast by now. And shuffled the kids to school and the various activities they have scheduled. But I did it all alone. I thought, Jr wouldn't have to have taken Arielle to my Mother-in-law's while I had my monitoring done. I would have left her home instead. And afterward? We'd go right back to running around. And probably spend way too much money on too many gifts for the 2 of my children who are having a birthday party tomorrow. And had lunch, at Chipotle. And made sure to hide receipts that could get us in trouble with how much money we had really spent. That's what we would have been doing I could guarantee it."

And as I pulled into the hospital parking lot I couldn't help but feel sad at how different this day felt. And how important Diego was to her. And how now I am left alone to do everything for the party without her. Not that she helped me much... but she was there. And then the song 'Already There' by Lonestar came on the radio. I couldn't help but cry.

I sat in the car until the song was over. It's like everytime I think of her or start to miss her more the song on the radio immediately helps me. This was no different. The song says, "I am already there, take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind, I'm your imaginary friend. And I know I'm in your prayers, oh I'm already there." It was perfect timing. Like she was telling me I can do this. And not to mention that my Dad put that as a comment to something I wrote about her a while back on my blog. He used the same song.

I miss her more for my kids than I do for me. Although I am selfish and I miss her for me too.

AND ON A SIDENOTE:

After running some errands I had promised Diego some cupcakes for his class to celebrate his birthday. Running late as usual my sister-in-law and I stopped at Costco to buy the cupcakes. She also took my girls so I didn't have to worry about them. I got to his school with 20 minutes before they got out of class. Not bad only 10 minutes late from the time I said. I carried these 2 HUGE heavy boxes of cupcakes through the parking lot into the office. I thought my arms were gonna fall off. I check in as a visitor and they tell me I could head on back to his class. So there I go ALL the way across the campus to the back building to his classroom. And once I finally arrive there's 10 minutes left of school. But I peek into his classroom and there's no one in there! Great!

So I book it back with the HEAVY cupcakes (I'll take a picture so you can see JUST how heavy and big I am talking about) to the office and as I walk in the receptionist says, "Please don't tell me that he's a 1st grader..." I nod my head. And she says, "They're in the cafeteria." The cafeteris is connected to the office. Lovely. She goes in and gets his teacher and when she comes to talk to me she apologized and forgot that I was coming. The kids had already went their seperate ways (buses, after-school program, or out to the front to be picked up). I was so sad! She carried the cupcakes back to my car for me and said we could do it on Monday. So I came home in a hurry to get them into the fridge. I don't know how but they fit. Then I had to hurry to his busstop to pick him up. I felt so bad. I promised I would be there. I felt like he would feel let down. I cried waiting for him at the bus stop. I really felt terrible about it. Like I failed. Luckily his bus was 20 minutes late so I had time to calm down before he saw me.

But like my wonderful son that he is... he truly uinderstood that it was a mistake. I do love that kid. He didn't feel let down at all, he even thanked me for trying. Seriously... child of the year. I still felt bad though. So we'll try again on Monday... til then the cupcake are being kept in the fridge.

One Month

Here we are with my Mama. And to the right of her is my Abuelito (my Dad's dad).

Healing

Healing takes time and it's a process. This I am learning. I never expected to heal fast... I knew going into this that it would take us so time. And everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way.

Today was one month that my lovely Mama left us to be with God. It's still so weird for me to say that. To admit that she's no longer physically here. I still talk about her like she's here. I still talk about her in the present. And in a way I still can't seem to comprehend that she's NOT physically here with me. I still want to pick up the phone and call her for everyday things. And then I remember I can't. And it's those times that I find myself crying. Talking about her doesn't make me cry, relieving all of our memories with her doesn't make me cry, but thinking about all the things she's not here for makes me cry. Diego's first baseball game. She'd be so proud and happy. My daughter's quinceaneras. My vow renewal in Vegas.

But I suppose that's why we have this time to heal. To prepare for those situations that we know she'll be there for in spirit. And what's helped... out family has spent every second we can together in the past 4 weeks. I think we've gotten together ALMOST everyday since she's been gone. If I'm not with my Daddy, my sister is here, my brother is here, we're at my brother's, I cook and invite everyone over, we've gone quading, gone to lunch, gone to her favorite restaurants, gone to get a pedicure (her favorite thing to do), it's like constantly being out doing something and not being alone. And we all enjoy it. We're a little spoiled by it.

Some people deal with grief by going into hibernation and depression... I think that's not dealing with your grief. My Mom would never want to see us that way. I could hear her saying, "Why are you being stupid? Get up and stop wasting your life." And that's what gets me up out of bed in the mornings. We deal with grief by getting together and eating. Seriously all we've done the past 4 weeks is EAT! It's like the holidays on steroids. It's bad. But in a good way.

I miss her so much! I seriously never ever once in my life imagined not having her around. In a way I took her for granted. She is one of those people who you think is going to live forever. And the shock is still very much there. I know she's okay. And I know I will be okay. She was such a strong personality that even when she's gone she is going to do everything in her power to make us okay.

So I cry. I let it all out when I need to. I don't hold back. And then I feel better. Cooking has helped me. I get that from her definitely. She always said cooking relaxed her. And she's right, when I cook I can clear my head. And this is the way I am trying to heal. I've also gone to see her. Never in my life did I think I'd need to go to a cemetery to feel close to her... but I do. And so when I have a hard day I go to her... just like I would go to her house. It makes me feel better.

Jr is healing too. He still doesn't talk about her much but that's okay. Yesterday he got this.

Like I said... everyone heals differently and he seems much happier with it. It makes me happy to see him happy when he talks about her now. I thank God that Jr loves my Mom so much! And I thank God that my Mom allowed herself to see who Junior really is and loved him more than I ever thought she would. He really did hold her on such a high pedestal and loved her and took care of her just as he would to me. 5 years ago I would have never thought they would even get along... and now he says she was his only friend. And Jr has no friends.

So today some of us got together and we went to see her. It was freezing. My Dad took roses. I was sick in bed sleeping ALL day and only woke up to go see her. Afterwards we all came back to my house and ate chili dogs. It was good. I am glad we're all together in this because I so could not have done this alone.

And yes... that's a cigarette next to the roses...

Trying To Be Normal

It's been 3 weeks and I am trying to be back to normal. Life still goes on and I still have a busy routine. But I don't feel normal anymore. I try really hard to... but I can't. It's really hard to explain. But the little things get to me.

See on a normal day, in between running the kids back and forth between school and home, and running my millions of errands, I could stop and my parent's house and see my Mom. It was a daily occurrence. Because although we moved out 2 1/2 months ago I hardly missed a day without going back to the house. Even on the rare occasion when my Mom was at work (Which in the last 2 months was hardly ever) I'd still go, watch tv, use the internet, catch up on my shows since we don't have cable still. And most of the time she was there.

It was fairly routine. I'd get a call on my way to take Alayna to school. It'd be my Mom asking me where I was. And always the same... I am taking Alayna to school i'd answer. Then she'd say what I knew she's say, like clockwork... "I'm hungry." And most times I'd stop for something and make her lunch. Or she'd wait for me to get there and say, "Chipotle?" "Chinese?" "Ta Carbon?" One of those to fill in the blank. We had our places. And she'd give me money and I'd run off to get us lunch while she entertained Arielle. Or Arielle entertained her actually. And life was perfect. We'd eat, laugh at Arie, and I'd spend a good 3 hours there everyday. Until it was time to make my rounds in picking up the kids from school then going home to get homework and dinner done. Yup routine. But it never got old.

But now my routine doesn't feel the same. Yes, I am doing the exact same things... but it's empty. I can't bring myself to go back to the house. As sad as it sounds. I am there on the weekends when my Dad is home and Jr is with me. The whole family shows up and we eat. (Nothing new there right? Our lives revolve around food.) But I won't go there alone. I have gone in to get the mail a few days, but I am literally in and out in seconds. I can't really be there. Again it's hard to explain.

The house is so her. And now it feels like I don't have a purpose. I was never her babysitter, or her caretaker, or anything like that. I didn't have to be there everyday. But after we moved out... I'd get up early, take Diego to school, feed and bathe the girls, and be ready by 10am . I'd make sure to clean the apartment a little just so I'd have time to go to her house after taking Alayna and have time with her. She never asked me to, and I never told her I'd go everyday... but I was there. And I really enjoyed the alone time with her. I didn't see it as anything special then but now... Now I am so glad that I lived my whole life thus far with her. I would tease her daily, that she loved me coming to bug her, that she missed me since I moved out. And she'd deny it, she said she never wanted me back in her home again and would attempt to kick me out, and threaten to change the locks and not give me a key. But again the next day I would show up, unlock the door with my key, and yell, "Honey I'm home!" Yup we did this EVERY day, and EVERY day we'd argue that she loved me while she denied it as I left back home.

So it's hard for me to move on.

My brother and sister both have jobs. And they both work. And after everything they both had to go back to work and continue on... and somewhat have a distraction from the reality. This in no way makes them miss her less than I do. But as I sit here and try to be normal I realize I can't be. Because I didn't have a job. My job was to take care of the kids and have the house clean. And I did all this with the motivation that if I finished fast enough... i could go to my Mom's. Where I wouldn't be bored. Where I could have some adult conversation. And now... I feel like I am just running through my day to get to end and go to sleep. It's meaningless. I try hard for the kids. I really do but I am so lonely. What am I supposed to do without her? I try to make sense of things but I feel like I just run through my days in a zombie-like state where nothing makes sense.

My friends are awesome. They've been taking me out. Lunch dates, Starbucks dates, you name it. And they are always calling me to talk. It's so hard to explain to people who have never lost a parent before, let alone their mother, what it feels like. But they are there to listen and that's totally awesome. It makes me smile. :)

Everything makes me sad.

I was watching Dr. Oz and he was talking about how to relieve migraines. And the 2 types of migraines and their symptoms. I thought of her... why couldn't that have aired a month ago so I could tell her what could help.

I saw a commercial for Bayer aspirin and how it prevents heart attacks. And I thought... what a stupid diagnosis. A heart attack.

I went to my Dr. appointment... alone for the first time ever. Jr had never ever missed an appointment until this last one. But he had to work. And I sat there thinking. She won't get to be there when I have this baby. Who is going to hold my leg and yell at me to push? Sure Jr will. But she was there with my other 3. The ultimate support. Who's going to buy me whatever my heart desires to eat after labor after being starved for hours? Who is going to take video clips of me in pain like she did the last time just to laugh at me? It makes me feel sad. And it's hard to look forward to my baby shower, even though I am very excited for it, because she won't be there. It'll be an all women shower (which I have never had) and the most important woman in my life won't be there. There will be a void that day. I hate to think about it.

So I suppose I won't feel normal for a while. Everything reminds me of her. But I do have a great support system. And I have this blog. Where I can write whatever I want. And I have my Daddy. If he can do it... I can do it.

Goodbye Mommy

I feel better knowing that she has been laid to rest.

Now I can help my husband heal. He's taking it the hardest. And all I want to do is ease his pain. He's not a talker. And the only person who could get him to open up was my Mom. He's been up and down emotionally this week. And all I could do is try and be here for him if and when he's ready to talk. He doesn't think I will understand. But I do.

Although her and I had a very different relatioship than him and her... she was still my Mom and very much the center of my world. I talked to her everyday. I lived pretty much my entire life with her. If I needed her she was there. She spoiled me more than a Mom should. She yelled at me when needed (which was a lot since I lived with her) but she always found a way to make me happy. Pozole on my birthday, caldo when I was sick, she bought me everything I asked for, she always took me out to eat. She was the only person I could always count on no matter what it was that I needed. And I know Jr definitely felt the same.

He made me cry last night. As I tried talking to him about it and how he was feeling... he kept blowing me off like I wouldn't understand. I kept trying to remind him that I was feeling the same as he was feeling. And that we could talk about it together. When he told me, "What do you want me to tell you? Hey how does it feel to know that your Mom is gone?" I shuddered. It sounded awful coming like that. The he said, "She was my ONLY friend and I watched her slip away... I prefer not to talk about it."

He's is so strong. He's right. He watched it all happen. He had no control. And now I understood why he's been feeling so guilty. But in reality he did everything. He can't be superman even if every second of the day he tried to be just that. He's not made of steel. There was nothing he could have done differently. And I hope he can understand that. I only wish I could be half as strong as him if I am ever in that situation. He took care of my Dad. My Dad wasn't alone that night. And that's what my Mom would have wanted. My Mom was his backbone and he needed someone at the hospital with him that night. I am glad it was Jr. He's an Angel.An Angel with tattoos... but an Angel nevertheless. He made the calls that morning. He was there for my Brother, sister, and family when they arrived to the hospital. He was there to catch me when he had to break the news to me. And Angel with tattoos.

And today,,, he proudly helped my Brother, uncles, brother-in-law, and Grandpa carry the casket. He never left my side today. On the hardest day of my life he was there. He's just doing what my Mom prepared him for. To take care of her family. To take care of her daughter and grandchildren. She may not have raised him... but she prepared a good man.

Everything was beautiful today. Just what she deserved. The sun was shining. I was happy about that. It rained on the day she died and it rained yesterday on the day of the viewing. But I was told by my sister-in-law's Mom that the Angels are cleaning and mopping to make sure the staircase to Heaven is immaculate for a very special Angel and that the raindrops are tears of joy to welcome such a person! How can that not make you smile? To know we got rain both days. And today the sun was shining behind all the clouds. She always gave me what I wanted... so I know she put in a good word for the sun on my behalf.

Again we got lots of help from people. Her work catered food from Buca de Beppo for all the people who came to our house afterward. After tonight we won't have family here anymore. for 7 days we've had a non-stop flow of people in my parents house, where Jr and I have been staying too. And tomorrow they'll all be gone. And we'll have to try and re-adjust. And get the kids back on schedule before they start school again on Monday.

This for me will be the hardest. How am I going to go on? I know I will be okay. We are all together and we will be okay. But how? And when? I want so much to make sure my Daddy will be fine. I am more worried about him than anything. But just like I called my Mom everyday to ask her every question I could think of... I know she will show us how to go on. I can't tell you what that will be right now... but as the days continue I know that whatever we're doing... she's still guiding us and protecting us. And I need her more than ever...

The Hardest Day of My Entire Life

And I say this because the day she died was hard. But not compared to today. Today is the day we laid her body to rest. And now it's the day we have to figure out how in the world we are going to go on without her. We now have to step up and fill those shoes... high heel shoes might I add... and continue on with what she's taught us. It's so hard because we literally came to her for EVERYTHING! What I was gonna wear, money, the kids, how to cook things for dinner, emotional issues, marital issues, friendship issues, pretty much everything you could think of. Now I'll have to ask myself... what would my Mom tell me... and hope I can find the right answer. I have to now become my own person.

The funeral was beautiful and afterward everyone came over to eat food catered by Buca de Beppo on behalf of Cox Communications. Here's some pictures of the rest of our day:

We miss you Mama!










Cheers




My handsome uncle Mario


Mario with my cousin Chato and Diego


My Mom's first Best Friend Denise and my Mom's goddaughter Kerissa


Me and my cousin Chato


Chato, Me, and Mario


The Troublemakers




Then another photoshoot inside at night




The Noriega clan and then some...


Daddy, Willie, and I: For those of you wondering... Willie IS family! He slept on my aunt and uncles couch some 20 years ago and never left. He keeps coming back and my Mom loved when he'd fly in on Thanksgiving day to just to spend it with us! He's our Mexicanese cousin okay... just leave it at that.


Mario, Daddy, Me


Daddy, Me, Cecy


My Mom always joked that everyone needed a Junior in their life. So I guess we have a transfer of ownership now... Kika!