I Need Her

I need her.
Like functioning without her is not functioning for me at all.
Especially on a day like today.
It's nothing more than any other ordinarily busy day I've been having for weeks on end.
But after being awake for 4 hours as I was driving to the hospital for my routine monitoring I passed by the cemetery.
And I thought to myself...

"I NEED her. Today doesn't feel right. What would we be doing today? We would have gone to have breakfast by now. And shuffled the kids to school and the various activities they have scheduled. But I did it all alone. I thought, Jr wouldn't have to have taken Arielle to my Mother-in-law's while I had my monitoring done. I would have left her home instead. And afterward? We'd go right back to running around. And probably spend way too much money on too many gifts for the 2 of my children who are having a birthday party tomorrow. And had lunch, at Chipotle. And made sure to hide receipts that could get us in trouble with how much money we had really spent. That's what we would have been doing I could guarantee it."

And as I pulled into the hospital parking lot I couldn't help but feel sad at how different this day felt. And how important Diego was to her. And how now I am left alone to do everything for the party without her. Not that she helped me much... but she was there. And then the song 'Already There' by Lonestar came on the radio. I couldn't help but cry.

I sat in the car until the song was over. It's like everytime I think of her or start to miss her more the song on the radio immediately helps me. This was no different. The song says, "I am already there, take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind, I'm your imaginary friend. And I know I'm in your prayers, oh I'm already there." It was perfect timing. Like she was telling me I can do this. And not to mention that my Dad put that as a comment to something I wrote about her a while back on my blog. He used the same song.

I miss her more for my kids than I do for me. Although I am selfish and I miss her for me too.

AND ON A SIDENOTE:

After running some errands I had promised Diego some cupcakes for his class to celebrate his birthday. Running late as usual my sister-in-law and I stopped at Costco to buy the cupcakes. She also took my girls so I didn't have to worry about them. I got to his school with 20 minutes before they got out of class. Not bad only 10 minutes late from the time I said. I carried these 2 HUGE heavy boxes of cupcakes through the parking lot into the office. I thought my arms were gonna fall off. I check in as a visitor and they tell me I could head on back to his class. So there I go ALL the way across the campus to the back building to his classroom. And once I finally arrive there's 10 minutes left of school. But I peek into his classroom and there's no one in there! Great!

So I book it back with the HEAVY cupcakes (I'll take a picture so you can see JUST how heavy and big I am talking about) to the office and as I walk in the receptionist says, "Please don't tell me that he's a 1st grader..." I nod my head. And she says, "They're in the cafeteria." The cafeteris is connected to the office. Lovely. She goes in and gets his teacher and when she comes to talk to me she apologized and forgot that I was coming. The kids had already went their seperate ways (buses, after-school program, or out to the front to be picked up). I was so sad! She carried the cupcakes back to my car for me and said we could do it on Monday. So I came home in a hurry to get them into the fridge. I don't know how but they fit. Then I had to hurry to his busstop to pick him up. I felt so bad. I promised I would be there. I felt like he would feel let down. I cried waiting for him at the bus stop. I really felt terrible about it. Like I failed. Luckily his bus was 20 minutes late so I had time to calm down before he saw me.

But like my wonderful son that he is... he truly uinderstood that it was a mistake. I do love that kid. He didn't feel let down at all, he even thanked me for trying. Seriously... child of the year. I still felt bad though. So we'll try again on Monday... til then the cupcake are being kept in the fridge.