Jesus>Religion

I hate talking Religion. I really really do. And I gotta say this video that my cousin posted on Facebook perfectly explains my point. If I could put into words and tell you exactly how I feel, this video would be exactly what I would say.

*Watch the Video first

There was some debate on FB about it but I refrained from commenting even though I really just wanted to bust out and explain what I think. And now a day later I feel like I need to write down my thoughts for my own self.

Let me preface this by telling you my journey. Which is probably in many ways or another similar to that of this man in the video.

I am Catholic. This I know. This I am sure about.

I was baptized into this religion. Baptism means our parents and Godparents will guide us into this faith. Teach us about it. And model it for us. So this foundation was set upon me. All I could do was grow from there. I never remember my parents being my models for my religion but I knew this is what they believed and this is what they followed. On the other hand my Abuelita and Abuelito were the two most influential people in my life when it came to knowing my faith and understanding my religion. I did learn the rules. I learned the prayers. I learned the commandments and what was right and wrong. You go to church on Sundays. For most of my childhood my parents didn't attend church regularly. There were times they did and we all went but for the most part my sister and I attended with our Abuelitos. It was boring, we didn't understand, but even through all that I listened and paid attention. What my parents did do was enroll us into catechism classes and it was there we learned the bible. We learned our faith. And I began to learn how much Jesus loves us. How much God loves. And how much in turn I loved Him. And I continued on this path of learning and growing and I enjoyed it very much. I was blessed to have these wonderful catechism teacher and my Grandparents to be there whenever I had a question or needed some understanding.

When I was 16 I had my confirmation. Confirmation, to confirm my faith and everything that had been taught to me since I was a little girl. Up until this point I knew I did want to be a Catholic person. Someone who would eventually be saved and could join Him when my time came. And in order to do this I had to believe. I had to believe and do everything in my power to be a good person, the person that God planned me to be. I accepted this and agreed to continue on my journey to grow and learn even more what my faith was about. Because I did have faith. And I chose this without the push of my parents or anyone, but with the foundation they gave me as my platform. And I continued on to become a leader for the next years Conformation students. I did this for 2 years. And I loved it. I loved teaching them what I knew and loved learning things I didn't.

Fast forward a year. Due to poor choices I became pregnant. And through the first few months I still maintained my place in the church. I still went regularly, I still helped lead the confirmation classes, and even more I looked for guidance in the words of the bible. I knew it was going to be a challenge and tried to understand it all with the help of my church. But that's not what happened. Instead for the most part, (there were a handful of fantastic people who became my only support throughout this time besides my parents) I was looked down upon. I was out casted. And then I decided to go to confession. I knew what I did was wrong and not of the way it was taught to me. I had a great relationship with the priest at that time and talked about it. He made it clear to me that sinning did not make me a bad person. It made me human. If I was truly sorry for my sin I would be forgiven. The act of going to confession was to be truly sorry and have the intention of not committing sin again. But to live life according to God's plan. And that is what I tried to do. But regardless I took a year off of church because it got to the point that I felt like I was a horrible person for being there. I was treated like I committed a sin and it would stick with me forever and no matter how I tried to right that sin it would never be right.

And my journey in the church life came to an end. Soon after my husband and I started taking classes to be married in the church. And with each and every class we took (we were the youngest couple and the only ones who already had children, 2 at that point) we were out casted further. And constantly questioned indirectly if we should really be getting married through the church. My husband who believe is God and believes in Jesus but has never liked the idea of organized religion. I tried so hard to see it his way but I was taught and raised differently so in my mind I thought there was no other way to do things than the way the church has told us. Even though as much as I tried to get back on track and kept getting knocked down by older adults at church who looked down upon me. I could tell each class would make him more and more uncomfortable and honestly it was doing the same for me. Weren't these the people who should be teaching us and helping us to live our life in accordance to the rules set before us? It made no sense to me. And then one day it did.

It was then that I realized I knew who I was and that I was a good person. I knew that God had forgiven me. I also knew that I may fall back into temptation again but as long as I followed him and continued to try that I was doing just what he wanted of me. And it was then that I decided I didn't want to marry in the church. And we quit. I never went back after that. I felt defeated. And I felt like I was losing my faith. I had so many questions... Why would God make it this impossible to get married and try and fix my life and put it back onto the path that he wanted me to? And that's when I realized it wasn't God. My faith in him had never wavered. But it was the church. The people who walked around like they were better than me and ran the show. It was them who I lost my faith in. It was the church who said, do EXACTLY as we say or else you're wrong.

And that's why I completely understand and agree with this video. I believe the guy could say he was also in a similar position. Putting on a front. Would it be better to go to church every Sunday when everyone can see but commit sin every other day of the week in hiding? I love when he said he doesn't have to hide his sins. Because that what I felt I wasn't doing. Yes I sinned, and yes it was wrong, but I was there to correct it and to learn and move on.

It wasn't until about a year ago when I finally came to a realization. I love my religion and I love being Catholic. But I disliked the church. In the video my favorite line has got to be, "It's not a museum for the good people, it's a hospital for the broken" I believe that's what it should have been for me. A hospital to build me back up not continue to doubt myself and tear me down. Denying the church is not denying God. God knows we're not perfect but the church expects us to be?

With all this said, I did take a step a few weeks ago to register as a member of my church once again. Because through it all and with everything aside it is the foundation of it's teachings that I want my children to learn. I have an almost 9 year old, and he being the oldest, still has no concept of the religion I baptized him into. And I alone cannot answer all his questions. He needs to be taught, as well as my girls, what being a Catholic is all about. And what God did by sending Jesus to us. I hope that all these years later the church can finally show me the acceptance that I always felt I didn't have and then maybe... I can continue to grow and expand once again.

Wish me luck.