Trying To Be Normal

It's been 3 weeks and I am trying to be back to normal. Life still goes on and I still have a busy routine. But I don't feel normal anymore. I try really hard to... but I can't. It's really hard to explain. But the little things get to me.

See on a normal day, in between running the kids back and forth between school and home, and running my millions of errands, I could stop and my parent's house and see my Mom. It was a daily occurrence. Because although we moved out 2 1/2 months ago I hardly missed a day without going back to the house. Even on the rare occasion when my Mom was at work (Which in the last 2 months was hardly ever) I'd still go, watch tv, use the internet, catch up on my shows since we don't have cable still. And most of the time she was there.

It was fairly routine. I'd get a call on my way to take Alayna to school. It'd be my Mom asking me where I was. And always the same... I am taking Alayna to school i'd answer. Then she'd say what I knew she's say, like clockwork... "I'm hungry." And most times I'd stop for something and make her lunch. Or she'd wait for me to get there and say, "Chipotle?" "Chinese?" "Ta Carbon?" One of those to fill in the blank. We had our places. And she'd give me money and I'd run off to get us lunch while she entertained Arielle. Or Arielle entertained her actually. And life was perfect. We'd eat, laugh at Arie, and I'd spend a good 3 hours there everyday. Until it was time to make my rounds in picking up the kids from school then going home to get homework and dinner done. Yup routine. But it never got old.

But now my routine doesn't feel the same. Yes, I am doing the exact same things... but it's empty. I can't bring myself to go back to the house. As sad as it sounds. I am there on the weekends when my Dad is home and Jr is with me. The whole family shows up and we eat. (Nothing new there right? Our lives revolve around food.) But I won't go there alone. I have gone in to get the mail a few days, but I am literally in and out in seconds. I can't really be there. Again it's hard to explain.

The house is so her. And now it feels like I don't have a purpose. I was never her babysitter, or her caretaker, or anything like that. I didn't have to be there everyday. But after we moved out... I'd get up early, take Diego to school, feed and bathe the girls, and be ready by 10am . I'd make sure to clean the apartment a little just so I'd have time to go to her house after taking Alayna and have time with her. She never asked me to, and I never told her I'd go everyday... but I was there. And I really enjoyed the alone time with her. I didn't see it as anything special then but now... Now I am so glad that I lived my whole life thus far with her. I would tease her daily, that she loved me coming to bug her, that she missed me since I moved out. And she'd deny it, she said she never wanted me back in her home again and would attempt to kick me out, and threaten to change the locks and not give me a key. But again the next day I would show up, unlock the door with my key, and yell, "Honey I'm home!" Yup we did this EVERY day, and EVERY day we'd argue that she loved me while she denied it as I left back home.

So it's hard for me to move on.

My brother and sister both have jobs. And they both work. And after everything they both had to go back to work and continue on... and somewhat have a distraction from the reality. This in no way makes them miss her less than I do. But as I sit here and try to be normal I realize I can't be. Because I didn't have a job. My job was to take care of the kids and have the house clean. And I did all this with the motivation that if I finished fast enough... i could go to my Mom's. Where I wouldn't be bored. Where I could have some adult conversation. And now... I feel like I am just running through my day to get to end and go to sleep. It's meaningless. I try hard for the kids. I really do but I am so lonely. What am I supposed to do without her? I try to make sense of things but I feel like I just run through my days in a zombie-like state where nothing makes sense.

My friends are awesome. They've been taking me out. Lunch dates, Starbucks dates, you name it. And they are always calling me to talk. It's so hard to explain to people who have never lost a parent before, let alone their mother, what it feels like. But they are there to listen and that's totally awesome. It makes me smile. :)

Everything makes me sad.

I was watching Dr. Oz and he was talking about how to relieve migraines. And the 2 types of migraines and their symptoms. I thought of her... why couldn't that have aired a month ago so I could tell her what could help.

I saw a commercial for Bayer aspirin and how it prevents heart attacks. And I thought... what a stupid diagnosis. A heart attack.

I went to my Dr. appointment... alone for the first time ever. Jr had never ever missed an appointment until this last one. But he had to work. And I sat there thinking. She won't get to be there when I have this baby. Who is going to hold my leg and yell at me to push? Sure Jr will. But she was there with my other 3. The ultimate support. Who's going to buy me whatever my heart desires to eat after labor after being starved for hours? Who is going to take video clips of me in pain like she did the last time just to laugh at me? It makes me feel sad. And it's hard to look forward to my baby shower, even though I am very excited for it, because she won't be there. It'll be an all women shower (which I have never had) and the most important woman in my life won't be there. There will be a void that day. I hate to think about it.

So I suppose I won't feel normal for a while. Everything reminds me of her. But I do have a great support system. And I have this blog. Where I can write whatever I want. And I have my Daddy. If he can do it... I can do it.