The Queen: Michelle

The Queen: Michelle
I am 28 years old. Still a princess but the queen of my family. Spoiled beyond belief. Lucky and truely blessed. A lover. A crafter. A mother. A wife. A friend. This is me.

My King: Junior

My King: Junior
The LOVE of my life! He completes me and balances me out in every way. He's a workaholic. He's loud, blunt, and crazy. He drinks Monsters like his life depends on it. Above all he is the greatest Daddy I could ever ask for, for my children. And he treats me like his Queen (and he calls me that too).

The Model Child: Diego Ray

The Model Child: Diego Ray
9 years old. My only boy. He is the epitome of the perfect child. He is so responsible and independent. Wise beyond his years. He is laughter, he is love, he is compassion, he is simply amazing. He keeps me grounded and reminds me always that I am beautiful. He is a natural born leader and takes care of the household and family better than me!

The Diva: Alayna Danae

The Diva: Alayna Danae
7 years old. She is drama. My fashionista for sure with a style all her own. Sensitive and loving when she wants to be. Thumbsucker. My biggest headache because she is the most like me. She is the only one who can cause me to become uncontrollably angry. She loves to dance. She loves to model. My bookworm and most academic.

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace
4 years old. This one is something else. She is pure comedy. Never a dull moment with her crazy antics. She is also the crybaby. She does things her own way. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to be cute to get it. My Disney loving pal. So girly. Her favorite color is pink. Loves Rapunzel. Will wear a dress every single day. Can't leave the house without a bow in her hair. She refuses.

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle
2 years old. My sweet baby. She loves her Mommy above all else. She is a cuddlebug for sure. The calmest most well behaved baby ever! But she has TONS of energy. She is so small and petite. She loves to sing and dance. She so SO ready for ballet and has yet to even step foot in a class. She loves Minnie Mouse and watching Disney Jr. She is hilarious and talks way too much.
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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Trying To Be Normal

It's been 3 weeks and I am trying to be back to normal. Life still goes on and I still have a busy routine. But I don't feel normal anymore. I try really hard to... but I can't. It's really hard to explain. But the little things get to me.

See on a normal day, in between running the kids back and forth between school and home, and running my millions of errands, I could stop and my parent's house and see my Mom. It was a daily occurrence. Because although we moved out 2 1/2 months ago I hardly missed a day without going back to the house. Even on the rare occasion when my Mom was at work (Which in the last 2 months was hardly ever) I'd still go, watch tv, use the internet, catch up on my shows since we don't have cable still. And most of the time she was there.

It was fairly routine. I'd get a call on my way to take Alayna to school. It'd be my Mom asking me where I was. And always the same... I am taking Alayna to school i'd answer. Then she'd say what I knew she's say, like clockwork... "I'm hungry." And most times I'd stop for something and make her lunch. Or she'd wait for me to get there and say, "Chipotle?" "Chinese?" "Ta Carbon?" One of those to fill in the blank. We had our places. And she'd give me money and I'd run off to get us lunch while she entertained Arielle. Or Arielle entertained her actually. And life was perfect. We'd eat, laugh at Arie, and I'd spend a good 3 hours there everyday. Until it was time to make my rounds in picking up the kids from school then going home to get homework and dinner done. Yup routine. But it never got old.

But now my routine doesn't feel the same. Yes, I am doing the exact same things... but it's empty. I can't bring myself to go back to the house. As sad as it sounds. I am there on the weekends when my Dad is home and Jr is with me. The whole family shows up and we eat. (Nothing new there right? Our lives revolve around food.) But I won't go there alone. I have gone in to get the mail a few days, but I am literally in and out in seconds. I can't really be there. Again it's hard to explain.

The house is so her. And now it feels like I don't have a purpose. I was never her babysitter, or her caretaker, or anything like that. I didn't have to be there everyday. But after we moved out... I'd get up early, take Diego to school, feed and bathe the girls, and be ready by 10am . I'd make sure to clean the apartment a little just so I'd have time to go to her house after taking Alayna and have time with her. She never asked me to, and I never told her I'd go everyday... but I was there. And I really enjoyed the alone time with her. I didn't see it as anything special then but now... Now I am so glad that I lived my whole life thus far with her. I would tease her daily, that she loved me coming to bug her, that she missed me since I moved out. And she'd deny it, she said she never wanted me back in her home again and would attempt to kick me out, and threaten to change the locks and not give me a key. But again the next day I would show up, unlock the door with my key, and yell, "Honey I'm home!" Yup we did this EVERY day, and EVERY day we'd argue that she loved me while she denied it as I left back home.

So it's hard for me to move on.

My brother and sister both have jobs. And they both work. And after everything they both had to go back to work and continue on... and somewhat have a distraction from the reality. This in no way makes them miss her less than I do. But as I sit here and try to be normal I realize I can't be. Because I didn't have a job. My job was to take care of the kids and have the house clean. And I did all this with the motivation that if I finished fast enough... i could go to my Mom's. Where I wouldn't be bored. Where I could have some adult conversation. And now... I feel like I am just running through my day to get to end and go to sleep. It's meaningless. I try hard for the kids. I really do but I am so lonely. What am I supposed to do without her? I try to make sense of things but I feel like I just run through my days in a zombie-like state where nothing makes sense.

My friends are awesome. They've been taking me out. Lunch dates, Starbucks dates, you name it. And they are always calling me to talk. It's so hard to explain to people who have never lost a parent before, let alone their mother, what it feels like. But they are there to listen and that's totally awesome. It makes me smile. :)

Everything makes me sad.

I was watching Dr. Oz and he was talking about how to relieve migraines. And the 2 types of migraines and their symptoms. I thought of her... why couldn't that have aired a month ago so I could tell her what could help.

I saw a commercial for Bayer aspirin and how it prevents heart attacks. And I thought... what a stupid diagnosis. A heart attack.

I went to my Dr. appointment... alone for the first time ever. Jr had never ever missed an appointment until this last one. But he had to work. And I sat there thinking. She won't get to be there when I have this baby. Who is going to hold my leg and yell at me to push? Sure Jr will. But she was there with my other 3. The ultimate support. Who's going to buy me whatever my heart desires to eat after labor after being starved for hours? Who is going to take video clips of me in pain like she did the last time just to laugh at me? It makes me feel sad. And it's hard to look forward to my baby shower, even though I am very excited for it, because she won't be there. It'll be an all women shower (which I have never had) and the most important woman in my life won't be there. There will be a void that day. I hate to think about it.

So I suppose I won't feel normal for a while. Everything reminds me of her. But I do have a great support system. And I have this blog. Where I can write whatever I want. And I have my Daddy. If he can do it... I can do it.


Crystal said...

I guess the best way the feeling could be described to another person would be similar to breaking up with a significant other...only a million times worse. When you break up, the person leaves your life but you continue living yours. Everything around you still reminds you of this person, and the things you used to do. And it's tough

However, the pain that comes with ending a relationship is NO WHERE NEAR the feeling of losing a parent/loved one, at all.

I cannot begin to imagine the hurt or emptiness you feel on a daily basis, but will always understand and be there for you for as long as you want to hurt.

After Gabriel and I split, your Mom left me a message on Myspace that said something to the effect of.."stay close to your family, especially now. Don't worry, one day the pain will all of a sudden disappear, and you'll be ok." and she was right, it did, and I was.
I believe this to be true with this situation as well. But obviously, it's something that could take many many years. Even if it doesn't happen until you're 50 years old, one day it wont hurt anymore, and you'll be happy, and you'll look back and be able to think of all the happy memories you had with your Mom, without the pain anymore.

Don't worry about not feeling normal, it's too soon for that yet. Hurt when you want, cry when you want, and be happy when you want.

One day, you'll be OK. But until then, we're always here for you

I LoOoOoVe You! =) ♥

Chely said...

OK, let me warn you that this is a super long comment...that continues on your Email.=)


I remember when my dad passed away and how sad I was. First, because I didn’t even realize how ill he was, so his passing was a total shock to me. I was going through April’s QuinceaƱera preparations (remember?) and I was sure my dad would be with us on this day. When he passed away, I was very sad because - in my mind - he still had things to do! I knew that he was very involved at St. Vincent de Paul Church with the adult catechism, plus he had gotten authorization from the Phoenix Archdiocese to begin a Bible Class for various churches not just the one he attended and he had been taking Theology classes that he was very excited about. When he passed away, I remember shutting my emotions off so that I could function in helping to take care of his funeral arrangements so, I didn’t even cry. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that I finally broke down and fell into depression. I was talking to Yolie that evening and crying over the fact that, he didn’t get to finish what he had started! Then Yolie told me in a very tender voice, “Chely…just think of all the things he’s going to continue learning of in heaven and all the things he will teach the angels up there!” – That notion alone made me smile because I knew he would and finally accepted to let him go. For 40 days, I didn’t even want to go out or have fun. And I didn’t even want to think about a QuinceaƱera party & finally rescheduled it 7 months later. Mi Papi & I were very close and I would always share my accomplishments or technology news with him. He used to get so excited for me. Yes, many, many times after that I would grab the phone to call him. Then I’d find myself hanging up after I’d realize that he wouldn’t be there=( Yes, that took a while for me to get used to and we were 300 miles away. So I can only imagine how you feel.