Healing

Healing takes time and it's a process. This I am learning. I never expected to heal fast... I knew going into this that it would take us so time. And everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way.

Today was one month that my lovely Mama left us to be with God. It's still so weird for me to say that. To admit that she's no longer physically here. I still talk about her like she's here. I still talk about her in the present. And in a way I still can't seem to comprehend that she's NOT physically here with me. I still want to pick up the phone and call her for everyday things. And then I remember I can't. And it's those times that I find myself crying. Talking about her doesn't make me cry, relieving all of our memories with her doesn't make me cry, but thinking about all the things she's not here for makes me cry. Diego's first baseball game. She'd be so proud and happy. My daughter's quinceaneras. My vow renewal in Vegas.

But I suppose that's why we have this time to heal. To prepare for those situations that we know she'll be there for in spirit. And what's helped... out family has spent every second we can together in the past 4 weeks. I think we've gotten together ALMOST everyday since she's been gone. If I'm not with my Daddy, my sister is here, my brother is here, we're at my brother's, I cook and invite everyone over, we've gone quading, gone to lunch, gone to her favorite restaurants, gone to get a pedicure (her favorite thing to do), it's like constantly being out doing something and not being alone. And we all enjoy it. We're a little spoiled by it.

Some people deal with grief by going into hibernation and depression... I think that's not dealing with your grief. My Mom would never want to see us that way. I could hear her saying, "Why are you being stupid? Get up and stop wasting your life." And that's what gets me up out of bed in the mornings. We deal with grief by getting together and eating. Seriously all we've done the past 4 weeks is EAT! It's like the holidays on steroids. It's bad. But in a good way.

I miss her so much! I seriously never ever once in my life imagined not having her around. In a way I took her for granted. She is one of those people who you think is going to live forever. And the shock is still very much there. I know she's okay. And I know I will be okay. She was such a strong personality that even when she's gone she is going to do everything in her power to make us okay.

So I cry. I let it all out when I need to. I don't hold back. And then I feel better. Cooking has helped me. I get that from her definitely. She always said cooking relaxed her. And she's right, when I cook I can clear my head. And this is the way I am trying to heal. I've also gone to see her. Never in my life did I think I'd need to go to a cemetery to feel close to her... but I do. And so when I have a hard day I go to her... just like I would go to her house. It makes me feel better.

Jr is healing too. He still doesn't talk about her much but that's okay. Yesterday he got this.

Like I said... everyone heals differently and he seems much happier with it. It makes me happy to see him happy when he talks about her now. I thank God that Jr loves my Mom so much! And I thank God that my Mom allowed herself to see who Junior really is and loved him more than I ever thought she would. He really did hold her on such a high pedestal and loved her and took care of her just as he would to me. 5 years ago I would have never thought they would even get along... and now he says she was his only friend. And Jr has no friends.

So today some of us got together and we went to see her. It was freezing. My Dad took roses. I was sick in bed sleeping ALL day and only woke up to go see her. Afterwards we all came back to my house and ate chili dogs. It was good. I am glad we're all together in this because I so could not have done this alone.

And yes... that's a cigarette next to the roses...