Goodbye Mommy

I feel better knowing that she has been laid to rest.

Now I can help my husband heal. He's taking it the hardest. And all I want to do is ease his pain. He's not a talker. And the only person who could get him to open up was my Mom. He's been up and down emotionally this week. And all I could do is try and be here for him if and when he's ready to talk. He doesn't think I will understand. But I do.

Although her and I had a very different relatioship than him and her... she was still my Mom and very much the center of my world. I talked to her everyday. I lived pretty much my entire life with her. If I needed her she was there. She spoiled me more than a Mom should. She yelled at me when needed (which was a lot since I lived with her) but she always found a way to make me happy. Pozole on my birthday, caldo when I was sick, she bought me everything I asked for, she always took me out to eat. She was the only person I could always count on no matter what it was that I needed. And I know Jr definitely felt the same.

He made me cry last night. As I tried talking to him about it and how he was feeling... he kept blowing me off like I wouldn't understand. I kept trying to remind him that I was feeling the same as he was feeling. And that we could talk about it together. When he told me, "What do you want me to tell you? Hey how does it feel to know that your Mom is gone?" I shuddered. It sounded awful coming like that. The he said, "She was my ONLY friend and I watched her slip away... I prefer not to talk about it."

He's is so strong. He's right. He watched it all happen. He had no control. And now I understood why he's been feeling so guilty. But in reality he did everything. He can't be superman even if every second of the day he tried to be just that. He's not made of steel. There was nothing he could have done differently. And I hope he can understand that. I only wish I could be half as strong as him if I am ever in that situation. He took care of my Dad. My Dad wasn't alone that night. And that's what my Mom would have wanted. My Mom was his backbone and he needed someone at the hospital with him that night. I am glad it was Jr. He's an Angel.An Angel with tattoos... but an Angel nevertheless. He made the calls that morning. He was there for my Brother, sister, and family when they arrived to the hospital. He was there to catch me when he had to break the news to me. And Angel with tattoos.

And today,,, he proudly helped my Brother, uncles, brother-in-law, and Grandpa carry the casket. He never left my side today. On the hardest day of my life he was there. He's just doing what my Mom prepared him for. To take care of her family. To take care of her daughter and grandchildren. She may not have raised him... but she prepared a good man.

Everything was beautiful today. Just what she deserved. The sun was shining. I was happy about that. It rained on the day she died and it rained yesterday on the day of the viewing. But I was told by my sister-in-law's Mom that the Angels are cleaning and mopping to make sure the staircase to Heaven is immaculate for a very special Angel and that the raindrops are tears of joy to welcome such a person! How can that not make you smile? To know we got rain both days. And today the sun was shining behind all the clouds. She always gave me what I wanted... so I know she put in a good word for the sun on my behalf.

Again we got lots of help from people. Her work catered food from Buca de Beppo for all the people who came to our house afterward. After tonight we won't have family here anymore. for 7 days we've had a non-stop flow of people in my parents house, where Jr and I have been staying too. And tomorrow they'll all be gone. And we'll have to try and re-adjust. And get the kids back on schedule before they start school again on Monday.

This for me will be the hardest. How am I going to go on? I know I will be okay. We are all together and we will be okay. But how? And when? I want so much to make sure my Daddy will be fine. I am more worried about him than anything. But just like I called my Mom everyday to ask her every question I could think of... I know she will show us how to go on. I can't tell you what that will be right now... but as the days continue I know that whatever we're doing... she's still guiding us and protecting us. And I need her more than ever...