The Queen: Michelle

The Queen: Michelle
I am 28 years old. Still a princess but the queen of my family. Spoiled beyond belief. Lucky and truely blessed. A lover. A crafter. A mother. A wife. A friend. This is me.

My King: Junior

My King: Junior
The LOVE of my life! He completes me and balances me out in every way. He's a workaholic. He's loud, blunt, and crazy. He drinks Monsters like his life depends on it. Above all he is the greatest Daddy I could ever ask for, for my children. And he treats me like his Queen (and he calls me that too).

The Model Child: Diego Ray

The Model Child: Diego Ray
9 years old. My only boy. He is the epitome of the perfect child. He is so responsible and independent. Wise beyond his years. He is laughter, he is love, he is compassion, he is simply amazing. He keeps me grounded and reminds me always that I am beautiful. He is a natural born leader and takes care of the household and family better than me!

The Diva: Alayna Danae

The Diva: Alayna Danae
7 years old. She is drama. My fashionista for sure with a style all her own. Sensitive and loving when she wants to be. Thumbsucker. My biggest headache because she is the most like me. She is the only one who can cause me to become uncontrollably angry. She loves to dance. She loves to model. My bookworm and most academic.

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace
4 years old. This one is something else. She is pure comedy. Never a dull moment with her crazy antics. She is also the crybaby. She does things her own way. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to be cute to get it. My Disney loving pal. So girly. Her favorite color is pink. Loves Rapunzel. Will wear a dress every single day. Can't leave the house without a bow in her hair. She refuses.

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle
2 years old. My sweet baby. She loves her Mommy above all else. She is a cuddlebug for sure. The calmest most well behaved baby ever! But she has TONS of energy. She is so small and petite. She loves to sing and dance. She so SO ready for ballet and has yet to even step foot in a class. She loves Minnie Mouse and watching Disney Jr. She is hilarious and talks way too much.
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Goodbye Mommy

I feel better knowing that she has been laid to rest.

Now I can help my husband heal. He's taking it the hardest. And all I want to do is ease his pain. He's not a talker. And the only person who could get him to open up was my Mom. He's been up and down emotionally this week. And all I could do is try and be here for him if and when he's ready to talk. He doesn't think I will understand. But I do.

Although her and I had a very different relatioship than him and her... she was still my Mom and very much the center of my world. I talked to her everyday. I lived pretty much my entire life with her. If I needed her she was there. She spoiled me more than a Mom should. She yelled at me when needed (which was a lot since I lived with her) but she always found a way to make me happy. Pozole on my birthday, caldo when I was sick, she bought me everything I asked for, she always took me out to eat. She was the only person I could always count on no matter what it was that I needed. And I know Jr definitely felt the same.

He made me cry last night. As I tried talking to him about it and how he was feeling... he kept blowing me off like I wouldn't understand. I kept trying to remind him that I was feeling the same as he was feeling. And that we could talk about it together. When he told me, "What do you want me to tell you? Hey how does it feel to know that your Mom is gone?" I shuddered. It sounded awful coming like that. The he said, "She was my ONLY friend and I watched her slip away... I prefer not to talk about it."

He's is so strong. He's right. He watched it all happen. He had no control. And now I understood why he's been feeling so guilty. But in reality he did everything. He can't be superman even if every second of the day he tried to be just that. He's not made of steel. There was nothing he could have done differently. And I hope he can understand that. I only wish I could be half as strong as him if I am ever in that situation. He took care of my Dad. My Dad wasn't alone that night. And that's what my Mom would have wanted. My Mom was his backbone and he needed someone at the hospital with him that night. I am glad it was Jr. He's an Angel.An Angel with tattoos... but an Angel nevertheless. He made the calls that morning. He was there for my Brother, sister, and family when they arrived to the hospital. He was there to catch me when he had to break the news to me. And Angel with tattoos.

And today,,, he proudly helped my Brother, uncles, brother-in-law, and Grandpa carry the casket. He never left my side today. On the hardest day of my life he was there. He's just doing what my Mom prepared him for. To take care of her family. To take care of her daughter and grandchildren. She may not have raised him... but she prepared a good man.

Everything was beautiful today. Just what she deserved. The sun was shining. I was happy about that. It rained on the day she died and it rained yesterday on the day of the viewing. But I was told by my sister-in-law's Mom that the Angels are cleaning and mopping to make sure the staircase to Heaven is immaculate for a very special Angel and that the raindrops are tears of joy to welcome such a person! How can that not make you smile? To know we got rain both days. And today the sun was shining behind all the clouds. She always gave me what I wanted... so I know she put in a good word for the sun on my behalf.

Again we got lots of help from people. Her work catered food from Buca de Beppo for all the people who came to our house afterward. After tonight we won't have family here anymore. for 7 days we've had a non-stop flow of people in my parents house, where Jr and I have been staying too. And tomorrow they'll all be gone. And we'll have to try and re-adjust. And get the kids back on schedule before they start school again on Monday.

This for me will be the hardest. How am I going to go on? I know I will be okay. We are all together and we will be okay. But how? And when? I want so much to make sure my Daddy will be fine. I am more worried about him than anything. But just like I called my Mom everyday to ask her every question I could think of... I know she will show us how to go on. I can't tell you what that will be right now... but as the days continue I know that whatever we're doing... she's still guiding us and protecting us. And I need her more than ever...

3 comments:

bettyjf1 said...

It was such a beautiful service Michelle. You're right though. Now is the time to figure out how to live the rest of your life without your mom. You'll figure it out. You're smart and the awful gut wrenching pain you keep feeling will ease and eventually you'll reach the point where you realize you'll always miss your mom, but the pain has eased and it's doable. Your kids will be surrounded by pictures of your mom and they'll grow up knowing her through your memories. Jr is so wonderful and the hardest time at the cemetery yesterday, I saw him make a beeline straight to you, moving the chair away and standing behind you, supporting you. You're in my prayers and always in my thoughts.

LilyBugsMama said...

Michelle, I love your family. You are all so amazing in your dedication to each other. When some one is in need you all ban together. When Diego is in need you all come together to make it easier for him. When you are upset they all ban together to help you. I could go on and on just from what I have read. You are all so lucky to have each other. Your mom is up above smiling down at the family she created here on Earth. Smiling at the lives she impacted. Smiling at the little sweetheart of a gransdson she left here to help his little sisters. Makes me happy to think about it.

Tracy said...

It was beautiful Michelle and you're lucky to have Jr. You guys will be alright, I have faith that it'll get easier for you guys. You'll be able to think of her without it feeling like a punch in the stomach soon. I love you all. If you need anything, even just Peter Piper... give me a call.