The Queen: Michelle

The Queen: Michelle
I am 28 years old. Still a princess but the queen of my family. Spoiled beyond belief. Lucky and truely blessed. A lover. A crafter. A mother. A wife. A friend. This is me.

My King: Junior

My King: Junior
The LOVE of my life! He completes me and balances me out in every way. He's a workaholic. He's loud, blunt, and crazy. He drinks Monsters like his life depends on it. Above all he is the greatest Daddy I could ever ask for, for my children. And he treats me like his Queen (and he calls me that too).

The Model Child: Diego Ray

The Model Child: Diego Ray
9 years old. My only boy. He is the epitome of the perfect child. He is so responsible and independent. Wise beyond his years. He is laughter, he is love, he is compassion, he is simply amazing. He keeps me grounded and reminds me always that I am beautiful. He is a natural born leader and takes care of the household and family better than me!

The Diva: Alayna Danae

The Diva: Alayna Danae
7 years old. She is drama. My fashionista for sure with a style all her own. Sensitive and loving when she wants to be. Thumbsucker. My biggest headache because she is the most like me. She is the only one who can cause me to become uncontrollably angry. She loves to dance. She loves to model. My bookworm and most academic.

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace

The Wild Child: Arielle Marie-Grace
4 years old. This one is something else. She is pure comedy. Never a dull moment with her crazy antics. She is also the crybaby. She does things her own way. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to be cute to get it. My Disney loving pal. So girly. Her favorite color is pink. Loves Rapunzel. Will wear a dress every single day. Can't leave the house without a bow in her hair. She refuses.

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle

The Munchkin: Atalie Belle
2 years old. My sweet baby. She loves her Mommy above all else. She is a cuddlebug for sure. The calmest most well behaved baby ever! But she has TONS of energy. She is so small and petite. She loves to sing and dance. She so SO ready for ballet and has yet to even step foot in a class. She loves Minnie Mouse and watching Disney Jr. She is hilarious and talks way too much.
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Monday, December 28, 2009

The Viewing

By far the hardest part of the whole week.

I thought I was prepared. I said my goodbye to my Mama in the hospital. She was still her. I could smell her. I could still feel her with me. I was sad but she looked so peaceful despite the tubes in her mouth and nose.

But after not having her around through Christmas and not seeing her for 6 days proved to make things harder again.

For the past 6 days we've had tons of family here. They've kept us distracted. We gather to eat, we laugh, we tell stories of my Mom, it helps us. Had this not happened over Christmas week we would have been alone during this time, until the actual services. But lots of family came over and has helped to keep us in good spirits.

So the drive over there was so short but so long. Junior and I discussed it right away and decided that we would not want any of kids at the viewing. The last time they had all seen her was 2 days before she passed at Ducky's birthday party... and that's how we wanted them to remember her. We felt, especially for Diego, it would be harder for him if he actually saw her. And for this reason, as a family we also decided on a closed casket for the funeral. So after dropping the kids off we arrived at the funeral home. The same funeral home we used for my Abuelito 5 years ago.

Walking into the funeral home was okay. We had huge collage frames set up with lots of pictures... and our favorite picture was framed into a signature mat so that people could sign. Some family were already there. Jr and I both were hesitating before entering the room. I could us both holding back and trying to drag it out. But as more people started to show I decided that I wanted to go in and see her before anyone else. I felt ready... so Jr grabbed my hand and we walked in.

I didn't look up until we reached the casket. And then I looked. And broke down into tears. I was not at all prepared. I felt ready seconds before... but I was not. She looked so different. Beautiful. Oh my goodness was she beautiful resting there. Her hair was done, her nails were perfect, her eyebrows perfectly shaped, because she had gotten everything done just days before, and wearing the dress she wore for her and my Dad's 25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony. But she was different. Like she was not her anymore. Jr asked me if I was okay. I told him that I thought I was prepared but I was not. But I wanted to see her, I wanted to kiss her, and I did. I felt her. I felt her hair. I felt selfish for wanting her back. I felt like I took for granted everyday I had with her. Selfish. Selfish. There was nothing left unfinished between her and I... and in fact hours before we were together laughing, eating, wrapping gifts, and everything was perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary but it was perfect.

The night never got easier. In fact it just was harder and harder as more people arrived. So many condolences I felt overwhelmed. I am completely and utterly grateful for all the people who went. In awe of the amount of people there. Family, friends, co-workers... just amazing. And a few people went up to share the memories we have of her and to tell stories about her. It was beautiful. We laugh, we cried, we laughed again, and then cried some more. I wish I could have been brave enough to go up there. But I wouldn't have been able to even choke out one word. I am better at writing my feelings. I can cry while doing it (just like now) and I can still say everything I want to say.

And I left there knowing that I could still see her one more time. Tomorrow. Before the mass they will open the casket for family one last time. A final farewell before we lay her body to rest.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

me too michelle.i thought i was prepared that i would be ok, but once i saw her in the casket i just cried. She looked beautiful &of course with her nails done, she wouldn't have wanted it any other way...but i know that seeing her gave me somewhat a sense of closure...cuz the whole time being there at my ninas house yes i felt sad that she was gone, but i felt she was there...its hard to explain...even after the viewing/funeral i still felt the same, at peace.knowing that she is happy, as kika said "she's frolicking with my mom"...my nina is finally with her mom and i couldn't be happier for her even as selfish as i want to be and still have her here with us all...

&saying my little speech was by far the hardest thing i had to do in my life.but i am glad i did, i felt so good after saying what i needed to say cuz i know she heard me &i am sure i made her smile a lil.

i miss my nina so much...but i know she's always gonna be here with all of us...&she will live on through you and nikki...&i will always have my carrot memory &so much more...

-Becca