The Viewing

By far the hardest part of the whole week.

I thought I was prepared. I said my goodbye to my Mama in the hospital. She was still her. I could smell her. I could still feel her with me. I was sad but she looked so peaceful despite the tubes in her mouth and nose.

But after not having her around through Christmas and not seeing her for 6 days proved to make things harder again.

For the past 6 days we've had tons of family here. They've kept us distracted. We gather to eat, we laugh, we tell stories of my Mom, it helps us. Had this not happened over Christmas week we would have been alone during this time, until the actual services. But lots of family came over and has helped to keep us in good spirits.

So the drive over there was so short but so long. Junior and I discussed it right away and decided that we would not want any of kids at the viewing. The last time they had all seen her was 2 days before she passed at Ducky's birthday party... and that's how we wanted them to remember her. We felt, especially for Diego, it would be harder for him if he actually saw her. And for this reason, as a family we also decided on a closed casket for the funeral. So after dropping the kids off we arrived at the funeral home. The same funeral home we used for my Abuelito 5 years ago.

Walking into the funeral home was okay. We had huge collage frames set up with lots of pictures... and our favorite picture was framed into a signature mat so that people could sign. Some family were already there. Jr and I both were hesitating before entering the room. I could us both holding back and trying to drag it out. But as more people started to show I decided that I wanted to go in and see her before anyone else. I felt ready... so Jr grabbed my hand and we walked in.

I didn't look up until we reached the casket. And then I looked. And broke down into tears. I was not at all prepared. I felt ready seconds before... but I was not. She looked so different. Beautiful. Oh my goodness was she beautiful resting there. Her hair was done, her nails were perfect, her eyebrows perfectly shaped, because she had gotten everything done just days before, and wearing the dress she wore for her and my Dad's 25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony. But she was different. Like she was not her anymore. Jr asked me if I was okay. I told him that I thought I was prepared but I was not. But I wanted to see her, I wanted to kiss her, and I did. I felt her. I felt her hair. I felt selfish for wanting her back. I felt like I took for granted everyday I had with her. Selfish. Selfish. There was nothing left unfinished between her and I... and in fact hours before we were together laughing, eating, wrapping gifts, and everything was perfect. Nothing out of the ordinary but it was perfect.

The night never got easier. In fact it just was harder and harder as more people arrived. So many condolences I felt overwhelmed. I am completely and utterly grateful for all the people who went. In awe of the amount of people there. Family, friends, co-workers... just amazing. And a few people went up to share the memories we have of her and to tell stories about her. It was beautiful. We laugh, we cried, we laughed again, and then cried some more. I wish I could have been brave enough to go up there. But I wouldn't have been able to even choke out one word. I am better at writing my feelings. I can cry while doing it (just like now) and I can still say everything I want to say.

And I left there knowing that I could still see her one more time. Tomorrow. Before the mass they will open the casket for family one last time. A final farewell before we lay her body to rest.